Can I Remarry In The Eyes Of God, Aside From My Ex-Wife Passing Away?
Question : I need serious direction. I was married for over 22 years . Not long after our marriage someone told my wife that oral sex was not allowed in a Christian marriage. This was not really a big deal at the moment, and we ceased to protect of that, but then sex itself seem to be taboo to my wife all together. As time went on it begin to be a source of many arguments. I also adopted her son and was trying to raise him as my own for which I got very much in to Conflict with, because she was always running to interfere for him. Years later we had a daughter together and then later on we had another daughter together. Still sex was still something that we argued over constantly and became more mechanical. For me it was like having sex with a robot. To top this off I was constantly compared to two of my wife's best friend's husband who had his own business and was doing pretty well off financially. She also continued to undermine my authority when it came to my children allowing them to do things that I had told them they could not do, allowing them to go places that I told them they could not go. She even allowed our son to quit school against my wishes, when I came home from work and found out that she had already signed the papers. After years of this going on, I went to work in law enforcement between the stress of my job and the stress of my marriage, I became just the shell as I was dying spiritually and the end result came when she left one evening to go stay at my son's house but left no note, she took my daughters with her and she had stayed and gone for 3 days. This wasn't the first time she had done something like this but I had always gone and found her before. I had by this time been approached several different times by other women and of course, and I begin to wonder if my life would be any better with someone else. So when she pulled this last stunt of staying gone 3 days, I threw in the towel and I quit going to church. I've actually separated and I committed adultery. Saying Bye and shacking up with another woman even though I was not divorced I was only separated. My question is aside from my ex-wife passing away is it possible for me to remarry in the eyes of God, I am back in church living for God and would like to start over in another marriage but I need to know the truth. Please help me?
Answer: Greetings to you in Jesus wonderful name!
First of all I appreciate you have been married for 22 years and that in itself is a invaluable lesson to lose self and learn love. I know that half baked information of people always causes a great division within even godly families, oral sex is never prohibited anywhere in the Bible, but rather expressed symbolically as a action of intimate relationship between the husband and wife in the romantic book of the Song of Solomon that God has given for all his children to learn it and use it if possible to increase in the love between the partners, (i.e.) fellatio - the husband giving his to the wife (Song of Solomon 2:3), and Cunnilingus - the wife giving hers to the husband (Song of Solomon 5:1).
If you want to have sex and your wife doesn’t, it’s not necessarily because she’s mad at you or you did something wrong, probably she might be over stressed, overworked, or overtired—as a result, she's not in the mood if this is for a limited period of time.
If it has been for a long time and that the very topic of sex have become a taboo for your wife, she might have had sexually bad experience in the past which might be hindering her to open herself fully to you, or she might be having some physical condition in her body that might be causing stress while having sex so that it might aggravate her pain more, or even it might me something like pre-mature ejaculation that makes you happy, but leave her unsatisfied. So there are the things that must be discussed between the husband and the wife. If the communication lines are down, then there is a great danger for the very foundation of the marriage union. So both the husband and wife should open themselves up to each other or they else seek the help of godly counselors, men to men, women to women and finally breaking the bottle neck of the lack of communication within marriage which as I told is the wall around the marriage that protects it within.
Then the other reason a wife neglects the very topic of sex might also be due to infidelity where she might be getting the needed emotional and physical support from someone apart from the husband. This also poses a grave danger, if it has not been corrected.
We know that God is serious about this infidelity issue, as the Scripture points out, "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge." (Heb 13:4). Even during the Old Testament times, for the jealous husbands who has the "spirit of jealousy" coming upon him to make him think whether there was infidelity of going astray in the part of the wife or she is acting unfaithfully towards him in her behavior, he is instructed to take the wife to the priest where the "oath of curse" the priest in the temple will pronounce over her, which in fact will make her sick to make her belly swell and her thigh to become rotten which may lead to death if she has committed adultery. If the man has become jealous of his wife without any truth of unfaithfulness on her part, the man will become guilty for his sin of doubt (Num 5:11-31). Therefore husband also should keep his fidelity like he expects his wife to keep her fidelity without going astray and defiling herself, then the "spirit of jealousy" has no place within the marriage and the couple will be happy, joyful and peaceful in their lives. The husband honoring his wife in fidelity and the wife honoring the husband in fidelity, is honoring each other and making marriage honorable among all people in the sight of God.
In today's lustful and perverse days of the end before the coming of the Lord, wife swap, threesome, man with man, woman with woman, group sex, etc...and the videos of lust that are promoted online through pornography are destroying the very foundational bricks of faithfulness in marriage. But beware of all perversion of the end, if the bed of marriage if defiled by lust in the heart which if left unchecked might lead to infidelity in marriage, fornicators and adulterers God will judge, so let us take his warning seriously and turn away from it when we have fight against sin in the heart itself (Matt 5:22, 28). When we go in to infidelity physically, there are some serious repercussions that we have to face in our lives and relationship within our family life (1 Cor 6:15-16, 18). God will forgive us when we ask for His forgiveness (1 John 1:7, 9), but he will allow us to justly face the consequence of it for us to learn the lessons in our lives which is right and just for a just God who is our Father in Heaven (1 Peter 4:15, 17; 2 Sam 12:13-14). One thing is certain — sin always pays back both believers and unbelievers with boredom, guilt, shame, loneliness, confusion, emptiness, loss of purpose, and loss of rewards (Rom 6:23). David was forgiven (2 Sam 12:13), but forgiveness never seems to take away the consequences of the sin as we see the consequence of the sin of adultery in the life of David resulting in incest and rape within his own family (2 Sam 13:1-22), revenge and murder among step brothers (1 Sam 13:23-33), a son’s betrayal (2 Sam 15:1-12), the verbal abuse by Shimei (2 Sam 13:1-22), and then the physical abuse and death threats of Absalom (2 Sam 15:1-12, 13-37; 16:1-23; 17-18), etc...
God says that the Gentiles are those who operate in the "passion of lust", by first lusting after the forbidden and then reaching out to fulfill it by defiling their body through it (1 Thess 4:5). God wants all Christians to posses their own body not in the "passion of lust", which when not dealt and judged by themselves and graced to overcome constantly (1 Cor 11:31-32; Rom 6:14), it might lead them to defraud his Brother through committing acts of infidelity and thus fall in to the adultery of uncleanness and sexual immorality, rather than living in holiness of the Lord which can only bring the activity of God to be seen through their lives and ministries (1 Thess 4:3-4, 5-6, 7). Where are we standing in this regard? Are we judging ourselves constantly and confessing our sins to God when we do sin? Or else have we crossed in to the forbidden zone of defiling of the heart to the body level?
Sex within marriage should be discussed both by husband and wife to increase in understanding regarding each ones preference in what kind of action in sex gives them so much happiness within marriage. Then each one should look to fulfill the happiness of the other partner. There is a sexual affection due the wife from the husband, and there is a sexual affection due the husband from the wife, this can be fulfilled only when the wife understands that she has no authority over her own body but the husband does, and the husband understands that he has no authority over his own body but the wife does (1 Cor 7:3-4).
Sex is not to be used as a weapon within the confines of marriage, because there is a high chance of the relationship getting cold, and the communication between the spouses getting restrained, restricted and rejected because of this reason. Once the communication is down, it is like breaking the security wall of the marriage. Once the security of the wall of protection around marriage goes off, any stranger may get in to that private zone of sacred ground that is holy to tread within. So a safe wall of marriage to keep away from the temptation of Satan who uses our lack of self-control to develop lust to make us fall in to adultery is, through passionately coming together again to have sex regularly with the spouse, except when with consent the husband and wife give themselves to fasting and prayer (1 Cor 7:5).
We all do fail in many things, we learn by failing and falling down in our spiritual lives and in the natural too (James 3:2). But we should all learn to stand up again by the power of the Lord and His might (Prov 24:16; Psa 37:24; Eph 6:10), and hence I think the break of communication has aggravated the scenario more and more to come to this breaking point later in life. I do not know about your background, but have you had this struggle of the sin of the heart through feeding on to the lust through sex magazines or by watching pornography on the net, which causes always to make the beauty of sex within more and more mechanical? Or may be your wife might have had this struggle, as women too are tempted in this area like men, but men are more prone to this as they are sight activated. For all those sin of the heart if indulged in the past (Matt 5:28-29, 30), confess to the Lord and ask the Lord for forgiveness for it all to forsake it for ever and you will have mercy received in abundance (Prov 28:13). If communications could be restored, it would be wonderful if both of you could come together and express this sin of the heart to the Lord if it has been done in the complete knowledge of both in the past (James 5:16). This has the potential to break communication with in the family, once this area is set right, a lot of blessing in family life will follow you and even sex will not be mechanical but rather passionate.
Financial area is something that women generally always seek for security, unless there are other areas of the man's life that are extraordinary to compensate it. So I understand the pain that you would have gone through when such things as comparing you to her couple of best friends husbands. This would have caused great wounding in you, as the Bible says, "15 A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; 16 Whoever restrains her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand." (Prov 27:15-16). But let go of all those thoughts by casting all your cares on the Lord (1 Peter 5:7), and let God do the healing work in your life and in your wives life (Php 4:6-7; Matt 6:14-15). Loudly ask the Lord to bless you wife and she will be transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit (Matt 5:44-45). Never store hurt within you, and know that only hurt people will hurt others. Those who store hate within them are like those who drink the poison, and expect the other to die. So let go to forgive and let God (Eph 4:32)! When we continue to keep the hurtful things within us without letting it go in to God's hands, we are also causing breaking of communication within marriage by letting the devil take over our emotions and play with it in our lives (Eph 4:26-27), so let God heal your hurts as your forgive all the hurts your wife has caused (Matt 6:12).
Yes I understand, undermining your authority must have caused great disrespect to you and she will have to give account to God for having disobeyed the clear instructions that says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (Eph 5:22). But have you loved your wife just as Christ loved the Church by giving Himself sacrificially and selflessly to her (Eph 5:25)? If you have done your part, automatically God would have made your wife do her part, so in this area also look to the Lord for restoration of the love of Christ in you and start to love your wife as Christ loved her sacrificially and selflessly. Ask the Holy Spirit of God to fill you with the Love of Christ (Rom 5:5), and He will faithfully do it (Php 1:6).
God knows the tough job in the law enforcement that you took for your family's welfare, so you were worn out and stressed within your marriage already and above it the stress of the job also would have taken its toll. For me to hear from you that you "became just the shell as you were dying spiritually" is something you are saying from your heart. I understand the pressure you were in and chaos that you might have been in, but God is able to restore the end result that came out in rebellion, and running away of your wife along with you children, I mean God is able to bring back peace where confusion has continued (Rom 16:20). Believe the impossible and God will make it possible (Luke 18:27)!
I believe that the affection of your wife was real in spite of all the wrong things she has done foolishly because of taking it all in her hands, because you are saying that many times she has run away and have returned back. Do you know the prodigals are the true sons of the Heavenly Father (Luke 15:20, 21, 22), do you know that the Lost Sheep are the true sheep's that the Lord is going after (Luke 15:4, 5, 6)?
But at this time, you should have understood the temptation that the devil will bring when you are depressed, down and discouraged and should have asked the help of the Lord to keep you from falling (Jude 24)? But for having told honestly that your separation happened when you fell in to adultery, do not worry dear Brother, the Bible clearly says, "Resist him [i.e. Satan and his demons] and be firm in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are being experienced by your fellow believers throughout the world." (1 Peter 5:9, HCSB). So confess your sins of adultery specifically to God, like the great man of God David repented and confessed to God sincerely (Psa 51; 1 John 1:7, 9). Once you have done that, know that the blood of Christ has completely cleansed you from all your past sins, never turn back in to such things after that, instead stand fast in faith once again. There is a great restoration waiting for you from the Lord, "Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west."(Isa 43:5, NIV) and "Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table." (Psa 128:3, NIV). The Lord understands the suffering you have been through because of all these things, but the Lord's heart is always merciful to see the restoration of all things like it did happen at the end in the life of the man of God Job, and believe me your reward will come in double portions in spite of your failings if your return back to the ways of the Lord in praying for your wife and children to forgive them and ask the Lord's blessing on them (James 5:10, 11; Job 42:10, 12). Because of guilt you have have avoided Church for a while but the Lord is drawing you near to him I believe (Heb 10:25; Gal 6:1), draw near to Him as the Lord is bringing you back in to His fold of joy from the wilderness, and encourage yourself in the Lord to carry on faithfully to follow the Lord (Jam 4:8; Isa 43:19; 1 Sam 30:6).
I tell you, when God told Abraham to send Ishmael along with the servant girl Hagar, you bet it was not easy for him to do what God wanted him to do in his life (Gen 16:16), but when he obeyed the voice of the Lord that came through his legal wife Sarah (Gen 21:2, 3, 8-21), but when it was obeyed, a little while later Abraham's faith was confirmed to be rewarded for eternity ahead (Gen 22:11-12, 13-18). So are you ready to let go of the relationship that came through your fleshly man, and remain in the relationship that the Lord has appointed by the Spirit for you to prove your faith and establish you with the real wife of your youth in his sight (Prov 5:18; Mal 2:14, 15, 16). Let go and let God!
Because both of you are believers, as per the direction of the Lord from His word He says through apostle Paul, "10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife." (1 Cor 7:10-11). So I believe, a reconciliation is on the cards for you, because your wife has departed from you, she can remain unmarried alone in faith or she should return back and be reconciled with you and be with you. So the Lord knows how to make your wife get reconciled back to you, but you be ready to receive her when she comes back. Send the fleshly Hagar back and leave her. But remain with the spiritual Sarah who is your first wife whom God has appointed for you in the perfect will of God.
One main reason I spoke for divorce in one of the previous post in the same topic titled 'Can A Christian Remarry Again When Their Marriage Has Failed?', is to release the believer from the guilt of divorce when he or she has married a unbeliever who wants to divorce him/her against their wishes for the reason of their practice of faith and devotion towards God, in this scenario there is no point in dodging a divorce to a unbeliever, as Paul the apostle was also speaking in the same frequency when he said, "15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?" (1 Cor 7:15-16). But still we can delay the divorce, to let God speak through His Holy Spirit, Word, Messengers and situations around us clearly, so that we could proceed with the divorce in such matter. The only reason we could delay such divorce is because of hoping that the unbeliever might get convicted by God and turn to God in faith, but it is a faint hope that we cannot be sure about as told by the apostle who wrote this above Scripture under Divine inspiration.
Aside from your ex-wife passing away is it not possible for you to remarry in the eyes of God except for infidelity which gives you the right to divorce her, but it can also be a chance to show mercy just like the Lord loves us so that we can give her a chance to repent if she is willing and as she is a believer already (Rom 7:2, 3; Matt 19:9; John 8:4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 11-12; Micah 7:18, 19; Eph 5:25, 26-27, 28), because you are also back in church, living for God, it would not be good for your to start over and continue in another adulterous marriage which is the Biblical truth we all must understand. So "28 ...husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church." (Eph 5:28-29). Believe me Brother, when you are reconciling with your wife, you are going to nourish and cherish yourself and are going to build your own life by taking such a wonderful decision. In other words, your decision which you take positively for reconciling will be like a decision you take to love yourself and your own body, as no one of us ever can hate our self except when we know we have done something wrong which we want to do it right the next time. So there are good thing waiting for us when we turn to the Lord and trust His Word and Spirit more than we trust our changing feelings which are fleeting and untrustworthy. When we value the guidance of the Spirit more than the flesh which we usually depend upon which brings all sinfulness and curses (Jer 17:5; Gal 5:16, 17, 18), then righteousness will start to flow like river in our life and blessings of heaven will never cease till we leave this earth in Christ Jesus (Isa 48:8; 66:12; Eph 1:3).
Much Blessings....
Answer: Greetings to you in Jesus wonderful name!
First of all I appreciate you have been married for 22 years and that in itself is a invaluable lesson to lose self and learn love. I know that half baked information of people always causes a great division within even godly families, oral sex is never prohibited anywhere in the Bible, but rather expressed symbolically as a action of intimate relationship between the husband and wife in the romantic book of the Song of Solomon that God has given for all his children to learn it and use it if possible to increase in the love between the partners, (i.e.) fellatio - the husband giving his to the wife (Song of Solomon 2:3), and Cunnilingus - the wife giving hers to the husband (Song of Solomon 5:1).
If you want to have sex and your wife doesn’t, it’s not necessarily because she’s mad at you or you did something wrong, probably she might be over stressed, overworked, or overtired—as a result, she's not in the mood if this is for a limited period of time.
If it has been for a long time and that the very topic of sex have become a taboo for your wife, she might have had sexually bad experience in the past which might be hindering her to open herself fully to you, or she might be having some physical condition in her body that might be causing stress while having sex so that it might aggravate her pain more, or even it might me something like pre-mature ejaculation that makes you happy, but leave her unsatisfied. So there are the things that must be discussed between the husband and the wife. If the communication lines are down, then there is a great danger for the very foundation of the marriage union. So both the husband and wife should open themselves up to each other or they else seek the help of godly counselors, men to men, women to women and finally breaking the bottle neck of the lack of communication within marriage which as I told is the wall around the marriage that protects it within.
Then the other reason a wife neglects the very topic of sex might also be due to infidelity where she might be getting the needed emotional and physical support from someone apart from the husband. This also poses a grave danger, if it has not been corrected.
We know that God is serious about this infidelity issue, as the Scripture points out, "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge." (Heb 13:4). Even during the Old Testament times, for the jealous husbands who has the "spirit of jealousy" coming upon him to make him think whether there was infidelity of going astray in the part of the wife or she is acting unfaithfully towards him in her behavior, he is instructed to take the wife to the priest where the "oath of curse" the priest in the temple will pronounce over her, which in fact will make her sick to make her belly swell and her thigh to become rotten which may lead to death if she has committed adultery. If the man has become jealous of his wife without any truth of unfaithfulness on her part, the man will become guilty for his sin of doubt (Num 5:11-31). Therefore husband also should keep his fidelity like he expects his wife to keep her fidelity without going astray and defiling herself, then the "spirit of jealousy" has no place within the marriage and the couple will be happy, joyful and peaceful in their lives. The husband honoring his wife in fidelity and the wife honoring the husband in fidelity, is honoring each other and making marriage honorable among all people in the sight of God.
In today's lustful and perverse days of the end before the coming of the Lord, wife swap, threesome, man with man, woman with woman, group sex, etc...and the videos of lust that are promoted online through pornography are destroying the very foundational bricks of faithfulness in marriage. But beware of all perversion of the end, if the bed of marriage if defiled by lust in the heart which if left unchecked might lead to infidelity in marriage, fornicators and adulterers God will judge, so let us take his warning seriously and turn away from it when we have fight against sin in the heart itself (Matt 5:22, 28). When we go in to infidelity physically, there are some serious repercussions that we have to face in our lives and relationship within our family life (1 Cor 6:15-16, 18). God will forgive us when we ask for His forgiveness (1 John 1:7, 9), but he will allow us to justly face the consequence of it for us to learn the lessons in our lives which is right and just for a just God who is our Father in Heaven (1 Peter 4:15, 17; 2 Sam 12:13-14). One thing is certain — sin always pays back both believers and unbelievers with boredom, guilt, shame, loneliness, confusion, emptiness, loss of purpose, and loss of rewards (Rom 6:23). David was forgiven (2 Sam 12:13), but forgiveness never seems to take away the consequences of the sin as we see the consequence of the sin of adultery in the life of David resulting in incest and rape within his own family (2 Sam 13:1-22), revenge and murder among step brothers (1 Sam 13:23-33), a son’s betrayal (2 Sam 15:1-12), the verbal abuse by Shimei (2 Sam 13:1-22), and then the physical abuse and death threats of Absalom (2 Sam 15:1-12, 13-37; 16:1-23; 17-18), etc...
God says that the Gentiles are those who operate in the "passion of lust", by first lusting after the forbidden and then reaching out to fulfill it by defiling their body through it (1 Thess 4:5). God wants all Christians to posses their own body not in the "passion of lust", which when not dealt and judged by themselves and graced to overcome constantly (1 Cor 11:31-32; Rom 6:14), it might lead them to defraud his Brother through committing acts of infidelity and thus fall in to the adultery of uncleanness and sexual immorality, rather than living in holiness of the Lord which can only bring the activity of God to be seen through their lives and ministries (1 Thess 4:3-4, 5-6, 7). Where are we standing in this regard? Are we judging ourselves constantly and confessing our sins to God when we do sin? Or else have we crossed in to the forbidden zone of defiling of the heart to the body level?
Sex within marriage should be discussed both by husband and wife to increase in understanding regarding each ones preference in what kind of action in sex gives them so much happiness within marriage. Then each one should look to fulfill the happiness of the other partner. There is a sexual affection due the wife from the husband, and there is a sexual affection due the husband from the wife, this can be fulfilled only when the wife understands that she has no authority over her own body but the husband does, and the husband understands that he has no authority over his own body but the wife does (1 Cor 7:3-4).
Sex is not to be used as a weapon within the confines of marriage, because there is a high chance of the relationship getting cold, and the communication between the spouses getting restrained, restricted and rejected because of this reason. Once the communication is down, it is like breaking the security wall of the marriage. Once the security of the wall of protection around marriage goes off, any stranger may get in to that private zone of sacred ground that is holy to tread within. So a safe wall of marriage to keep away from the temptation of Satan who uses our lack of self-control to develop lust to make us fall in to adultery is, through passionately coming together again to have sex regularly with the spouse, except when with consent the husband and wife give themselves to fasting and prayer (1 Cor 7:5).
We all do fail in many things, we learn by failing and falling down in our spiritual lives and in the natural too (James 3:2). But we should all learn to stand up again by the power of the Lord and His might (Prov 24:16; Psa 37:24; Eph 6:10), and hence I think the break of communication has aggravated the scenario more and more to come to this breaking point later in life. I do not know about your background, but have you had this struggle of the sin of the heart through feeding on to the lust through sex magazines or by watching pornography on the net, which causes always to make the beauty of sex within more and more mechanical? Or may be your wife might have had this struggle, as women too are tempted in this area like men, but men are more prone to this as they are sight activated. For all those sin of the heart if indulged in the past (Matt 5:28-29, 30), confess to the Lord and ask the Lord for forgiveness for it all to forsake it for ever and you will have mercy received in abundance (Prov 28:13). If communications could be restored, it would be wonderful if both of you could come together and express this sin of the heart to the Lord if it has been done in the complete knowledge of both in the past (James 5:16). This has the potential to break communication with in the family, once this area is set right, a lot of blessing in family life will follow you and even sex will not be mechanical but rather passionate.
Financial area is something that women generally always seek for security, unless there are other areas of the man's life that are extraordinary to compensate it. So I understand the pain that you would have gone through when such things as comparing you to her couple of best friends husbands. This would have caused great wounding in you, as the Bible says, "15 A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; 16 Whoever restrains her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand." (Prov 27:15-16). But let go of all those thoughts by casting all your cares on the Lord (1 Peter 5:7), and let God do the healing work in your life and in your wives life (Php 4:6-7; Matt 6:14-15). Loudly ask the Lord to bless you wife and she will be transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit (Matt 5:44-45). Never store hurt within you, and know that only hurt people will hurt others. Those who store hate within them are like those who drink the poison, and expect the other to die. So let go to forgive and let God (Eph 4:32)! When we continue to keep the hurtful things within us without letting it go in to God's hands, we are also causing breaking of communication within marriage by letting the devil take over our emotions and play with it in our lives (Eph 4:26-27), so let God heal your hurts as your forgive all the hurts your wife has caused (Matt 6:12).
Yes I understand, undermining your authority must have caused great disrespect to you and she will have to give account to God for having disobeyed the clear instructions that says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (Eph 5:22). But have you loved your wife just as Christ loved the Church by giving Himself sacrificially and selflessly to her (Eph 5:25)? If you have done your part, automatically God would have made your wife do her part, so in this area also look to the Lord for restoration of the love of Christ in you and start to love your wife as Christ loved her sacrificially and selflessly. Ask the Holy Spirit of God to fill you with the Love of Christ (Rom 5:5), and He will faithfully do it (Php 1:6).
God knows the tough job in the law enforcement that you took for your family's welfare, so you were worn out and stressed within your marriage already and above it the stress of the job also would have taken its toll. For me to hear from you that you "became just the shell as you were dying spiritually" is something you are saying from your heart. I understand the pressure you were in and chaos that you might have been in, but God is able to restore the end result that came out in rebellion, and running away of your wife along with you children, I mean God is able to bring back peace where confusion has continued (Rom 16:20). Believe the impossible and God will make it possible (Luke 18:27)!
I believe that the affection of your wife was real in spite of all the wrong things she has done foolishly because of taking it all in her hands, because you are saying that many times she has run away and have returned back. Do you know the prodigals are the true sons of the Heavenly Father (Luke 15:20, 21, 22), do you know that the Lost Sheep are the true sheep's that the Lord is going after (Luke 15:4, 5, 6)?
But at this time, you should have understood the temptation that the devil will bring when you are depressed, down and discouraged and should have asked the help of the Lord to keep you from falling (Jude 24)? But for having told honestly that your separation happened when you fell in to adultery, do not worry dear Brother, the Bible clearly says, "Resist him [i.e. Satan and his demons] and be firm in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are being experienced by your fellow believers throughout the world." (1 Peter 5:9, HCSB). So confess your sins of adultery specifically to God, like the great man of God David repented and confessed to God sincerely (Psa 51; 1 John 1:7, 9). Once you have done that, know that the blood of Christ has completely cleansed you from all your past sins, never turn back in to such things after that, instead stand fast in faith once again. There is a great restoration waiting for you from the Lord, "Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west."(Isa 43:5, NIV) and "Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table." (Psa 128:3, NIV). The Lord understands the suffering you have been through because of all these things, but the Lord's heart is always merciful to see the restoration of all things like it did happen at the end in the life of the man of God Job, and believe me your reward will come in double portions in spite of your failings if your return back to the ways of the Lord in praying for your wife and children to forgive them and ask the Lord's blessing on them (James 5:10, 11; Job 42:10, 12). Because of guilt you have have avoided Church for a while but the Lord is drawing you near to him I believe (Heb 10:25; Gal 6:1), draw near to Him as the Lord is bringing you back in to His fold of joy from the wilderness, and encourage yourself in the Lord to carry on faithfully to follow the Lord (Jam 4:8; Isa 43:19; 1 Sam 30:6).
I tell you, when God told Abraham to send Ishmael along with the servant girl Hagar, you bet it was not easy for him to do what God wanted him to do in his life (Gen 16:16), but when he obeyed the voice of the Lord that came through his legal wife Sarah (Gen 21:2, 3, 8-21), but when it was obeyed, a little while later Abraham's faith was confirmed to be rewarded for eternity ahead (Gen 22:11-12, 13-18). So are you ready to let go of the relationship that came through your fleshly man, and remain in the relationship that the Lord has appointed by the Spirit for you to prove your faith and establish you with the real wife of your youth in his sight (Prov 5:18; Mal 2:14, 15, 16). Let go and let God!
Because both of you are believers, as per the direction of the Lord from His word He says through apostle Paul, "10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife." (1 Cor 7:10-11). So I believe, a reconciliation is on the cards for you, because your wife has departed from you, she can remain unmarried alone in faith or she should return back and be reconciled with you and be with you. So the Lord knows how to make your wife get reconciled back to you, but you be ready to receive her when she comes back. Send the fleshly Hagar back and leave her. But remain with the spiritual Sarah who is your first wife whom God has appointed for you in the perfect will of God.
One main reason I spoke for divorce in one of the previous post in the same topic titled 'Can A Christian Remarry Again When Their Marriage Has Failed?', is to release the believer from the guilt of divorce when he or she has married a unbeliever who wants to divorce him/her against their wishes for the reason of their practice of faith and devotion towards God, in this scenario there is no point in dodging a divorce to a unbeliever, as Paul the apostle was also speaking in the same frequency when he said, "15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?" (1 Cor 7:15-16). But still we can delay the divorce, to let God speak through His Holy Spirit, Word, Messengers and situations around us clearly, so that we could proceed with the divorce in such matter. The only reason we could delay such divorce is because of hoping that the unbeliever might get convicted by God and turn to God in faith, but it is a faint hope that we cannot be sure about as told by the apostle who wrote this above Scripture under Divine inspiration.
Aside from your ex-wife passing away is it not possible for you to remarry in the eyes of God except for infidelity which gives you the right to divorce her, but it can also be a chance to show mercy just like the Lord loves us so that we can give her a chance to repent if she is willing and as she is a believer already (Rom 7:2, 3; Matt 19:9; John 8:4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 11-12; Micah 7:18, 19; Eph 5:25, 26-27, 28), because you are also back in church, living for God, it would not be good for your to start over and continue in another adulterous marriage which is the Biblical truth we all must understand. So "28 ...husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church." (Eph 5:28-29). Believe me Brother, when you are reconciling with your wife, you are going to nourish and cherish yourself and are going to build your own life by taking such a wonderful decision. In other words, your decision which you take positively for reconciling will be like a decision you take to love yourself and your own body, as no one of us ever can hate our self except when we know we have done something wrong which we want to do it right the next time. So there are good thing waiting for us when we turn to the Lord and trust His Word and Spirit more than we trust our changing feelings which are fleeting and untrustworthy. When we value the guidance of the Spirit more than the flesh which we usually depend upon which brings all sinfulness and curses (Jer 17:5; Gal 5:16, 17, 18), then righteousness will start to flow like river in our life and blessings of heaven will never cease till we leave this earth in Christ Jesus (Isa 48:8; 66:12; Eph 1:3).
Much Blessings....
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